Roxy’s Story

I was smitten from the beginning. He was handsome, kind, charismatic, made me laugh, and genuinely seemed to care about me. He had a lot of friends and was well liked. I was blown away that he even noticed me! So I guess I let the little things slide. There were plenty of “red flags” that I ignored. He would relentlessly tease me around his friends, to the point that I would need to leave the room because I was so embarrassed. Or make me feel like a failure if I asked him for help.

When I look back on our early days, I can see how I should have left before it even began, but I was young and vulnerable and naive…and apparently he knew it.

The little red flags turned into flashing red-lighted billboards, but I thought everything will be better once we are married. I should have known we were destined for disaster when he didn’t want to kiss me at the altar. He gave me a little peck, then hugged me. The photographer didn’t even have time to capture what should have been a beautiful moment…because it didn’t happen. I was so humiliated and immediately thought, “Oh God what have I done? I just married a man that doesn’t love me.”

Within the first three months of what should have been “honeymoon bliss” I was belittled, ignored, isolated, and manipulated. If I cried he would not comfort me because he didn’t want to “feed my insecurity.” He told me I was not allowed to need him for anything, because “need is weakness.” Then, all of a sudden, he would be nice, or make me laugh, like nothing was wrong. I wanted that to be true so badly. So I stayed. But the inadequacy I felt was unbearable. And I was completely alone.

Then he got a job in California. And there I was, being whisked away, across the country, far from everyone and everything that was safe.

We were living in CA. and had been married less than a year and a half. The only words he spoke to me were intentionally designed to wound me. They were calculated and weaponized. Even worse than the word-daggers, was the silence. It was deafening. We played nice in front of people. It was behind closed doors that his cruelty was unmasked.

I knew we were broken beyond repair when he no longer looked at me. The day I confronted him, in the hopes of mending what was tearing us apart, he casually sat back in his seat, folded his arms, and said, “I am bored of kissing you.” Then stared me down with a smug smirk on his face until I left the room sobbing. Yet, despite the pain, we stayed together 10 more years, had two kids, and even played music in a band together. It was all a facade. I was dying inside.

Then came the day he told me he wasn’t going to love me, divorce was too much effort, but that he would keep me around to take care of the laundry and the kids, I knew I could not stay. But I was weak and broken and made all the wrong decisions to get away. I made myself the villain, and suffered so much loss in the process, with lingering repercussions. But…I was free.

I know now that I was dealing with gaslighting on a professional level. He had not put his hands on me, so I had no idea I was a victim of emotional terrorism. I was just a young girl with a broken heart and nowhere to go.

Our divorce and custody battle were agony. But I knew my kids would finally get to have the healthy, whole, healed mom they deserved. I heard a woman once say, “I stayed so that my kids could have a father, but I left because they needed a mother.” I think that says it all. Getting out is ugly, and often dangerous, and very lonely…but totally worth it. I walk in freedom from abuse, and now my kids have a future free from abuse as well.

Before Operation Pretty Things helped me, I did not know that I was a victim of domestic violence. I didn’t have a bruise or a black eye. No scars on my skin to prove how wounded I was. With OPT, I was able to see that domestic violence is not only physical abuse. It can be emotional, verbal (berating and silent-treatment), mental, financial, manipulation, isolation, and gaslighting.

I wasn’t crazy. I was hurting. I wasn’t needy. I was ignored. I was a victim. But not anymore. Lies do not define me. Today I walk in victory!